Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Tied together with a smile…

I know what I love. I just don't know what I want. I used to know, but now, not so much. I love writing, but I hate reading. I love to express myself, but I hate when no one recognizes it. I love being happy, but I hate not being able to make everyone else happy.  I love being in love, but I hate not feeling loved. Especially by the person I love the most. I love to dream, but I hate feeling like my dreams are never going to come true. I have so many dreams. I want to live a different life than I have always lived. I want to be better than people think I could ever be. I want to be successful. I want to do what I love and be with who I love. I want to live a full life with more than I could ever imagine. I want to prove I am different. I want to change someone's life. Most of all, I want to make those who love me proud.Sometimes I feel so lost. So alone. I feel invisible and ugly. So unimportant. Are the feelings natural? What do I want?What do I deserve?The truth is... I know I am loved, it just doesn't always feel like it. I am told I am beautiful, but enough? Or does anyone act like I am? I am on the road to success, and people tell me I am great at what I want (or wanted) to do, but is it really the right path for me? Will I make it in a road that very few survive? I have so many questions that I feel can never be answered. I mean, is there truly such thing as a perfect love? Is romance dead, or do I just not deserve to feel it? I thought I knew what I was called to do. I thought my future was laid out in front of me and I was working towards the ultimate goal. I thought I was becoming a happy person.But, is there such thing as true happiness? Everyone falls eventually. But, as constantly as my family has? I mean, I have given up on the word "luck" because my family surely does not have any of that. It is constantly one bad thing after another, so I mean, Lord, keep throwing it at us, because we haven't given up just yet. Close, but not yet. I feel as if no one really knows what I go through on a daily basis. I feel as if everyone thinks they know what I go through, and that they understand, but back to my first statement, I know no one knows what I really go through. My life has been the same for about 13 years now, except it just continues to go worse. I will never forget my pastor, David Walters, telling me that I have lived a life no one has ever, or should ever live, but I have truly defined what it means when they say "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." And it makes me think. All these years I have thrown a smile on my face and make the world think that I am so strong, that I am unbeatable. The truth to that one is, I fall, too. I can't continue to hold that smile on my face. I am weak. I can't take much more of the confusion and hard times I have faced since I was merely 8 years old. It's impossible to continuously be this strong. This smile is becoming undone... 

"Seems the only one who doesnt see your beauty Is the face in the mirror looking back at you You walk around here thinking you're not pretty, but thats not true, Because I know you I guess it's true that love was all you wanted 'Cause you're giving it away like its extra change Hoping it will end up in his pocket But he leaves you out like a penny in the rain Oh, 'cause it's not his price to pay Not his price to pay... Hold on, baby, you're losing it The water's high, you're jumping into it And letting go, and no one knows that You cry, but you don't tell anyone That you might not be the golden one And you're tied together with a smile But you're coming undone."

"Tied Together With A Smile" -Taylor Swift
Posted by Katie in 06:43:02 | Permalink | Comments (1) »

Saturday, May 10, 2008

“No One Could Ever Take Your Place”

So my best friend moved away from me today. I’m not very happy either. It’s going to be so weird being in Auburn with out her here. She is who I call whenever I need to vent about anything and everything, whenever I am craving mexican food and want someone to go grab a $3 burrito with me. The one who I can be nosey with about things, the one I can cry to, the one I can yell at when I just want to yell, who i laugh with constantly, and gossip with, the one I call to run to Wal-Mart with me because I don’t want to go alone. I see her every single day. I am never bored when I am with her. It’s so hard to even think of not having her around every day to hang out with. I literally don’t know how I am going to make it around here with out her. She is my other half… my best friend!! So I am already having such a hard time with this, and it’s only been a few hours since she left. I mean I know I am going to see her often, just not like I am used to. And I don’t like that! I mean who likes losing their best friend? It was hard enough moving to college away from all my best friends, and now that I have had my 2nd move to a new school, found the best [girl] friend any one could ever ask for, she leaves me :( it’s not cool at all! But i know our friendship will not change, just the fact that we don’t see each other every day and I can’t randomly call her to run to Acapulco’s, the tanning bed, or wal-mart with. She means so much to me, and I never want to lose her as a best friend. But thank you Katherine for such an amazing semester here in Auburn. You truly are my best friend. I do not know what in the world I am going to do without you around during the week. I already can’t wait til JUNE to see your beautiful face! love you girl!

Song: “I Remember” -Kenny Chesney
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Wednesday, April 23, 2008

“Let’s start over, it’s not over”

Heartaches are the worst pain in the world. Have you ever woken up and actually had pain in your heart? Like truly felt like your heart was broken into a bunch of little pieces?

 

I had a rough day yesterday and night. I woke up sick, later found out my grandmother was in the hospital, my boyfriend is sick, and other than that, things weren’ttoo bad.

 

Then evening came and it was a rough night. I’m not going to get in depth but I justwant to say one thing to [someone]:

 

We may come from two different families/backgrounds/lifestyles, but if we truly love each other we can get through this. Sure things started really hard and fast, but it happened and there’s nothing we can do about it really. I can be fine without you. I just don’t want to be. I love every moment we get together. No relationship is perfect and it never will be. But we can try so hard to work things out and make things ok. I love you and I know you love me, just think about what’s important to you…

 

 

“Oh, we both know

We weren’t always like this

Help me remember

The way that we used to be

When nothin’ else mattered

‘Cause you were lovin’ me”

-“Help me remember”, Rascal Flatts

 

As for the title, it’s from “It’s Not Over” by Daughtry. I feel like our only option is to start over. Don’t end things, let’s just give it another shot…

 

Keep Singing…

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“I’ve never been more homesick than now”

Everyone hates to be sick. I think that might just be an understatement. What sucks even more is not having your parents there to take care of you. Those are the moments when I get homesick. 


I never got homesick when I moved to college. I enjoyed being all on my own. I think that might also be because I am an only child and for once I didn’t have my parents always down my back. However, when I first got sick and wasn’t at home I hated it, even though my roommate and boyfriend and sorority sisters were there, it still wasn’t the same. 

This morning I woke up sick as a dog, with nausea and a sore throat. I felt horrible. I tried to go to class but couldn’t even stand to get ready so I just went back to bed. I felt the same way all day long. Though I did go to Target and Kroger with Phil and got some medicine, but it was so hard to get out and walk around. Phil was really sweet, he made me chicken noodle soup and took me to dinner, too. So thanks honey for at least doing that!

It’s just so hard not having my mom and dad constantly pouring me ginger ale or bringing me soup and giving me medicine, ya know all the sick child spoiled stuff. Now I am homesick… I wish I were home :(  Instead I am struggling to get up and go to class and start studying for finals. 

The title is from the song “Homesick” by MercyMe. It’s like you wanting to be in Heaven (AKA HOME) away from all sickness and pain and where you are completely taken care of. Just like being at college and wanting to be home where mommy and daddy can take care of you…

keep singing (even if you have no voice like me…)
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Tuesday, April 22, 2008

“We’ll make the best of tonight, here comes the rest of our lives”

I have always been a really outgoing person growing up. Making friends was never a struggle with me, even going into my freshman year of college at La Grange last year. However, this year it took me a while to adjust and make friends here at Auburn. To be honest, I absolutely hated my dream school for almost an entire semester until I got comfortable and broke away from my “barriers” that I felt were holding me back. 


I gave up on sitting around twiddling my thumbs and not studying any more than I would have if I had a social life and went and hung out more with my few friends I did have in Auburn. I met new people through other friends and even started dating new people. I finally felt more in love and at home at Auburn. It was such a relief to actually finally feel that way. I thought I had made a mistake transferring to AU even though it was a dream come true for me. 

I joined an amazing Bible study through Campus Crusades and have such a good bond with those ladies. They are so amazing inside and out and have such a good heart for Christ. I love it! I look forward to our Wednesday nights for Bible study AND our Monday night dinners at Bazilia’s cafe. They are so funny and fun to be around and so easy to talk to. 

I also started hanging out with an ex of mine who is now a good friend. He is a brother in Delta Tau Delta Fraternity here at Auburn University. Through him I met my current boyfriend, Philip, and latched onto an amazing lady, Katherine. She has become my best friend… which is something I have always struggled with. It’s always been hard for me to make close girl friends, even though I did always have them. I mean growing up there was Brooke, Kristen, Cassidy, Markie, Mallory, then Middle School with Natalie and Meg, and then High School with Tara, Paige, Sarah Beth, and Ashley (several others too but this just mentions the majority so sorry if I left you out)… at La Grange I was a sister in Kappa Delta Sorority so I had a lot of girl friends but I still hung out with a lot of guys. So I come to Auburn lacking a girl friend until I met Katherine. I do not know what in the world I would do without her now. She is just so amazing and so fun to be around. We can really connect on a lot of levels. 

Besides those ladies, I have met a lot of good guys that I am so happy I can call my friends. Some are better or closer friends than others but still… I have them and that’s important and what matters. There is always someone to hang out with, party with, or just simply laugh with. Now majority of my new guy friends are also brothers in DTD, but besides them, there is one guy in particular who doesn’t go to Auburn [unfortunately] who I met thanks to Phil… some of you might know him… or you might be him… his name is Jeff Creech. He’s an ultimate bad ass… fa sho! He’s such a funny guy who is ALWAYS there for me. More than some of my life long friends ever have been. Crazy, huh? He’s a very talented photographer… I am jealous of his overall amazingness! Ha! 

Then there is Phil… I kind of skipped over him [sorry babe]! He is funny. It kinda bothers me because some people don’t know him like I do or like a few of my other friends do. Therefore, because of how he can be, if you don’t know who he is or how his personality works, it’s easy to have a bad impression of him. But if you really know him, he’s such an amazing and funny guy. I’m not saying our relationship is perfect because really… no one has a perfect relationship. Seriously, on a Christian note, not even your relationship with Christ is perfect or is it really ever going to be! But seriously, I wish everyone could see how amazing he really can be. I think it is because of him… well I know it’s because of him that I have the 2 most amazing friends in the world now. 

That makes 3 amazing people (plus my Bible study) that I have met in 4 1/2 months… wow! But the point I am laying out here is that even when you think you can’t find friends or that you don’t belong where you thought, it will all work out. You will make those amazing friends that you need. It just takes time and patience!

What sucks though is that Jeff is up in Oxford, OH and Katherine is leaving me in just a couple of weeks to Tuscaloosa! I don’t know what I am going to do when she leaves. It’s going to be so hard. I mean it already sucks having Jeff in Ohio because he is that amazing. But when Kat leaves, it’s going to kill me. I am going to be almost as lonely as I was first semester!! But she’s my best friend and I know we will always stay that way!

As for the title of the blog… it is lyrics from Graham Colton Band’s “Best Days”. You can get different ideas from this song but what hit me tonight was thinking although it really sucks that I am now not going to have 2 of my best friends here in Auburn with me, things will be ok. We can all keep a close relationship and not let the distance hurt us. So therefore we just have to take it and run and enjoy the time we do get together and the phone and IM conversations we get. Make the best of those times you do get together and never let the distance hurt you. You can’t change what you want, so you have to accept it and just live it out. It’s the way it’s going to be so “we’ll make the best of tonight, here comes the rest of our lives…”

Keep Singing…
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Monday, April 21, 2008

“Take Every Breath God Gives You For What It’s Worth”

One of my really good friends from high school is in the Marine’s. He is currently in Ramadi, Iraq. He hasn’t been there very long yet, just about a month. I have had a few phone calls which were so cool just knowing he was on the other side of the world from me… 8 hours ahead of me. Well, I got my first letter this past week on Friday (i think). Although his letter did not say much, I learned a whole lot…

You hear all the time to not take things for granted, and how you never know when your life will be over so live each day to its fullest, and all that crap. Well, in this letter from Andrew he told me about the trip to Ramadi and how aggravating it was and all and then he went into how it is to be there. He said how he thought he was prepared for the war zone and how you think you know what it’s like, but in reality it was such an eye opener. It was nothing like he expected and he said there really was no way to prepare for that environment. 

You know they say how beautiful the Earth is and all, and how it’s God’s creation therefore it is beautiful. Well this letter gave me a whole new perspective. I will never know what it is like to be in that environment that Andrew is living in right now. At least I hope I never have to know what it is like. It’s so ”ugly”, to put an adjective to it. There are (unfortunately) ugly parts to this world, so it seems. However, the work some of the soldiers are doing over seas is beautiful… which can clear up for the ugliness of the environment over there I guess.

He said how sad it is. Like how dreary like. It’s nothing but dirt. Everything is so boring looking. Nothing but dirt, grass, and flowers (which some are pretty but its not that great)… he said it’s not pleasant. And he told me how he misses the colors of home. The beauty here is so different than it is on the other side of the world. It’s sad. We have all these strong amazing men and women doing all this work over seas and it’s not enjoyable but it’s their job. I am so proud of them. Yet I feel so bad, because I wish I could just go do a total make over for Iraq to make it a more enjoyable place. Haha… anyone else in??? ROADTRIP! (ok not so much…)

He mentioned about how much he now realizes he took for granted while being home. And how much he misses me and his other friends and family. And that’s when it hit me how true that is. We have so much here… some more than others but still look how fortunate we are. If you are reading this, you have a computer or internet access, you have a roof over your head day in and day out… you have a warm cozy bed to sleep in every night, you have good food, air conditioning, heat, whatever you need to get by each day, you have! 

Andrew was saying how when they first got to Kuwait they didn’t get to eat, sleep, anything really… he said it was awful! I just can’t imagine. He said the only place to sit was on rocks too. Horrible situation. 

To sum this up… his letter just really made me think about how much I really do have, for not having a lot, and for struggling to pay for my education and everything else on my own and with little help from my parents. I have everything I could ever need and some. Therefore I have a reason (and so do you…) to live each day so full and keep in mind how lucky I am to have what I have. Take every thing I have and live it out for what it is worth… noting the title from a Kenny Chesney song ”Don’t Blink”… ”take every breath God gives you for what it’s worth”

Keep On Singing, and Leave A Little Tune….

Posted by Katie in 06:32:54 | Permalink | No Comments »