I know what I love. I just don't know what I want. I used to know, but now, not so much. I love writing, but I hate reading. I love to express myself, but I hate when no one recognizes it. I love being happy, but I hate not being able to make everyone else happy. I love being in love, but I hate not feeling loved. Especially by the person I love the most. I love to dream, but I hate feeling like my dreams are never going to come true. I have so many dreams. I want to live a different life than I have always lived. I want to be better than people think I could ever be. I want to be successful. I want to do what I love and be with who I love. I want to live a full life with more than I could ever imagine. I want to prove I am different. I want to change someone's life. Most of all, I want to make those who love me proud.Sometimes I feel so lost. So alone. I feel invisible and ugly. So unimportant. Are the feelings natural? What do I want?What do I deserve?The truth is... I know I am loved, it just doesn't always feel like it. I am told I am beautiful, but enough? Or does anyone act like I am? I am on the road to success, and people tell me I am great at what I want (or wanted) to do, but is it really the right path for me? Will I make it in a road that very few survive? I have so many questions that I feel can never be answered. I mean, is there truly such thing as a perfect love? Is romance dead, or do I just not deserve to feel it? I thought I knew what I was called to do. I thought my future was laid out in front of me and I was working towards the ultimate goal. I thought I was becoming a happy person.But, is there such thing as true happiness? Everyone falls eventually. But, as constantly as my family has? I mean, I have given up on the word "luck" because my family surely does not have any of that. It is constantly one bad thing after another, so I mean, Lord, keep throwing it at us, because we haven't given up just yet. Close, but not yet. I feel as if no one really knows what I go through on a daily basis. I feel as if everyone thinks they know what I go through, and that they understand, but back to my first statement, I know no one knows what I really go through. My life has been the same for about 13 years now, except it just continues to go worse. I will never forget my pastor, David Walters, telling me that I have lived a life no one has ever, or should ever live, but I have truly defined what it means when they say "when life gives you lemons, make lemonade." And it makes me think. All these years I have thrown a smile on my face and make the world think that I am so strong, that I am unbeatable. The truth to that one is, I fall, too. I can't continue to hold that smile on my face. I am weak. I can't take much more of the confusion and hard times I have faced since I was merely 8 years old. It's impossible to continuously be this strong. This smile is becoming undone...
"Seems the only one who doesnt see your beauty Is the face in the mirror looking back at you You walk around here thinking you're not pretty, but thats not true, Because I know you I guess it's true that love was all you wanted 'Cause you're giving it away like its extra change Hoping it will end up in his pocket But he leaves you out like a penny in the rain Oh, 'cause it's not his price to pay Not his price to pay... Hold on, baby, you're losing it The water's high, you're jumping into it And letting go, and no one knows that You cry, but you don't tell anyone That you might not be the golden one And you're tied together with a smile But you're coming undone."
"Tied Together With A Smile" -Taylor Swift
